Baby I got your money don't you worry--

Has it really been that long since I’ve posted..wow.. oh yeah that’s right I’ve been in the South of France looking for an apartment with Pudding.. yes.. this is where I’ve been… but now that we have the apartment… and are moving in mmmmm two days I’m beginning to question my own sanity..

There is a Parliament song lyric that goes “mind your wants because someone wants your mind”..

Tonight it feels oh so true. Two days ago I received my last pay check from my former employer. And upon that realization fear set in. My inner critic got really loud and began to question what the hell was I doing abroad. And where the hell are all my clients. And what made me think that being in France was a good idea since I did not happen to be independently wealthy.

You see money is my button. I am always calm until money becomes an issue and then I get all jittery and crackish; resenting those who have money and fearing those who want some of mine (Gov’t included). It causes the darkness of old memories stir up and I don’t always choose to see the light—well until this time….

When my un Godly amount of student loan debt became a topic of discussion (because they called my mother), I shut up, and then found the courage to discuss it with Pudding. Later, I had the opportunity to admit to Pudding that I was fearful about my business. Pudding and I discussed it. And now.. well now.. discussion is over and it’s time for doing.

A good friend turned me on to Fabianne Fredricksen, the Client Attraction Specialist. I’ve enjoyed listening to her teleseminars… doing her home study system.. shoot I’m even her friend on Facebook! But now she is doing prosperity mindset work. And it ain’t fluff neither. It’s not just think about it—and it’ll happen law of attraction work. Don’t get me wrong the Law of attraction works, but you must go deeper than just your surface thoughts. You need to dig deep, and that’s just what Fabienne is doing.

Listening to her teleseminar brought me back to my parents fighting about money. It brought me back to crying on the phone with Wells Fargo about my student loans. It reminded me that I resented my Mother because she worked so hard and went through lots of unnecessary pain for money. Screw the private schools and getting my hair done every two weeks, all I really wanted was her. It made me think of being dumped partly because I refused to continually cramp my soul in a 9 to 5 for money. Money and I never seemed to be on the same page about anything that was of importance.

For the first time, I’m facing the fact that I don’t have a high opinion of “having” money and that I perceive it to have caused much pain in my life. Not to mention, there is something about spiritual practitioners believing that we can’t ask for money. We are too spiritual to worry about the baseness of needing to pay rent—the universe will provide. Or more honestly, I don’t like the responsibility or dirtiness of having to maintain income. Material reality is too much for me, and I’d rather reside in the ether with my invisible spirit friends who keep me company. (-- Hey, I hang out with Egyptian Gods and hawks—I’m really not joking—I’ve always been somewhat out there..I’ve only learned to use it constructively recently.)

Money and I have been a mess. But it’s time to clean our relationship up. I can’t continue to punish and deny myself. Nor am I willing to continually be stressed about whether I can afford anything. Dammit I’m in France and it’s too sexy here for that! Not to mention, I deserve to live well. All that private school set me up to have some high standards of living.

I would love to say that this work takes a while and I’ll maybe see results soon. But that’s never been my truth. I believe when you are done with something. You are done. And as I type, I am done! I know clients and workshop opportunities are flooding my gmail account as you read this ;)

As far as implementing my doneness, I’ll be spending the next few days working with Sekmeht, Hawk, Kali and Lakshimi. Oh, and marketing my tail off as well.

Speaking of marketing, I would like to announce here that I am now focusing my energies on bringing burgeoning Spiritual practitioners into Divine Alignment. So if you know anyone who is filled with inner turmoil, has screaming chakras, can no longer handle every daily life or just needs a good energetic cleansing send them my way ;) I’ve got lots of goodies for them.

Thanks for reading!

As yet untitled..

Yep it finally happened.. I've been waiting quite a while. I've been here for a month you know. I've been a good girl. I've been brave and strong; secretly practicing my French (just in case I need to say something like " the nice young woman rides a horse"..or "no my car is red-- not white).. I've been waiting for my fear. I've been stalking it through the night at Kali Ma's side. Isis and I 've been waiting to leap out of the spirit bushes and hug it into sweet surrender; turning a troubled past into a powerful ally and promising future.

Thankfully today was my breaking point. A few things slipped. Beginning with dreaming about ex-boyfriends. Who does this stuff? The old man (and I used to call him that to his face) I dreamed about dumped me. Why is he worthy of intruding pon my slumber? And have you seen the man I share a bed with? Why am I dreaming of-- oh that's why. Needed to deal with fear of rejection, failure and of umm being broke;). And not just regular ole broke, but broke for a long time with little excuse other than damn: how did I get here? But rather than go back to sleep after that crazy dream, I did energy work. Yep 5am energy work. Thankfully Spirit Guides never sleep, and neither did I until about 7am when a dying phone woke us both up. Mierde...

After muffling the dying phone, Pudding (the infamous) decided to rise and shine. Soon I followed suit, checked my email and went back to bed. Only to get up fourty-five minutes later. The morning pretended to be nice and productive. You know it seems like you have these mornings, things just buzz along and them wham. Productivity stopped and fear set up in my chest. The idea of being too productive gripped me and I wondered what the hell now? I moved my laptop aside and begin to journal. After scrawling a few minutes a fear of success emerged.

Unlike my previous forays into Entrepreneurship this one is working. I get called for charts, systems are developing, other streams of income are becoming clear and.... and it's all happening without my stressing about it! I wake up and Spirit says let's do this today. Viola it gets done. Dead relatives tap on my noggin and says this will happen-- and then it manifests. I am slightly in awe but not really... Horus speaking to me is what really wigged me out... but you know I have a feeling wilder things will ensue..and besides I really dug listening to Horus and my Elders.

It's a beautifully odd feeling to know that you'll find what you've been seeking, and that you can longer stay as you were. Even if I tried I couldn't self sabotage this. (And I've given up trying--) So, in light of all this I did some energy work, accepted my blessing and went back to work...

No really, I went back to work and had a super productive day! Can't wait to do it tomorrow ahaha haha!

Peace

Pain at work.. and at play

Enjoy your pain.
Name your pain.
Give it your life and allow it to define you. Let it give you community, a story , a synthesized self by which you and all your pained brethren can recognize each other and grieve together. Grieve and never heal. For as long as you only know each other by that pain. That pain is all you will ever be.

But what if I don’t want pain? What if holding on to pain has become much more painful than letting it go and receiving healing?

I wonder what is so addicting about pain. I wonder why it feels good to hold on to a story and way of being that hurts so bad, yet you don’t know what or who you would be without it.

What a pickle…Yesterday was an interesting day. It was one of those days that Pudding and I were doing our best to avoid an all out scrap (sans mud and jello unfortunately). It’s not sexy to scrap without mud or jello on vacation, especially in the South of France.

Somehow the issue of Slavery in contrast to Veganism came up. My eyes glossed over and that was it. I was a woman carrying scars from long ago. Just the word (slavery) evoked such an emotional response I just wanted to push away every white person in close vicinity. And unfortunately this meant Pudding.

He looked at me sympathetically, trying to understand my version of Blackness and the pain I claimed with it. I couldn’t bring anything to my lips—I was too angry that the word slavery had been mentioned in any other context than we as white people (and I as their spokesperson), in this colonizing nation (France) hereby apologize and recognize that yeah our ancestors messed up on a global scale that can not and will not be completely rectified until Western civilization’s destruction. You have been screwed, we sincerely apologize. Fuming, I said he couldn’t he mentioned he had read this book by Bell Hooks. (Bell Hooks—mind you, a noted Black Feminist I’ve got nuts!!) And I said something along the lines of books won’t help you understand—you can’t understand. After about a good fifteen minutes of “you as a White man can never understand my pain as a Black woman” Pudding got a bit upset. So we stopped talking. I resumed my meal, and we went back to the hotel room.

To make a long story short, he said he cannot make anything work unless I would at least try to explain to him. And in retrospect many things cross my mind. First thing is why am I holding on to this idea of being a woman wounded by a past that she did not directly participate in? Yes, African Americans as a group have gotten the shaft. We are disconnected from ourselves in a deep powerful way. America doesn’t want us and Africa thinks we’re violent, lazy and ignorant. Our Men have been stripped of their masculinity and wisdom. Our Women have become Men to over compensate for our Men. It goes on and on. But really is this something I have to carry around on my back every day? Is this a fight that every morning in France-mind you—which can be a little Mississippi-esque-- that I should be fighting? Second, am I more upset that he read the book without me, or that he is making an attempt to understand? We all have had that curious white friend. You know, the ones who asked to touch your hair and then snagged your boyfriend out from under you? Let’s just say I’ve had one too many of those types of friends. So the idea of relaying my good Black Woman juice to someone—even though I traveled across the ocean to be with him—was just a little much for me yesterday evening. Sharing Black Women stuff takes time damn it! Besides, I’ve had one too many conversations with White folks who knew more about being Black than I did and had little or no respect for what I had to offer in such conversations. Painful past or not—this had nothing to do with the man who sat in front of me and just wanted to understand something that was so important to me. Which has me asking the question: Is it more important for me to hold on to the pain I associate with my color, for the sake of preserving an “us versus them mentality”, or is it more important for me to be open to love?